The Bagel Theory

Uh, sure I speak Hebrew

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 18:24:00 -0400

Was on the subway late on a Friday (read within the 18 minutes) when a 20 something year old boy and girl walk over to me on the subway and smile. I’m definitely gonna get bageled and these people look foreign/european. I’m prepared as I look up from my intense brickbreaker game. Suddenly there is a rapid fire sentence of Hebrew - and if it wasnt for the fact that I was too excited in anticipation the bageling - I would have listened to what they said. Slight problem is, I dont speak a word of hebrew (thanks yeshiva day school). My obvious assumption was they were wondering what time shabbos is. Since chances are they are like me and use the 18 minutes generously. So I guesstimate in my head and say proudly that shabbat starts at around 8:15pm. they look at eachother and then back at me, confused.

The guy responds and clarifies: “eh I ask you does the train stop at 72nd st?” which I respond sadly, “Cain.”

Excuse Me, Do you know what day yam k'poor is?

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:43:00 -0400

- hottest girl in my office in the hallway.

"So, do you listen to Matisyahu?"

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:32:00 -0400

- JFK Security officer while frisking me down and opening up my tefillin boxes….

Bageling on the Subway

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:41:00 -0400

No words needed in the morning. (And if someone does try talking to you in the morning they should be chayiv misa)

No matter how packed the train car is, just break out your pocket siddur (girls), or pocket rashi chumash (guys) and move your lips in that way only Jews and/or crazy people can do.

Consider yourself bageling.

On the boardwalk

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 09:24:00 -0400

Occasionally I will walk to shul on shabbos on the boardwalk and take in the beautiful and now infamous ‘Jersey shore’ on a saturday morning, easily it’s most busy day. Because bikes are not allowed after 10AM the drag, from the end of Margate through the Atlantic City casino row, is a mob scene of casual bikers, joggers, runners and walkers.

For those who do not know, Atlantic City/Ventnor is a hot-bed for Jewish retirees mainly from the greater Philadelphia area. The boardwalk has quadruple the Jews on a saturday morning than all the synagogues combined. So as soon as I am off to shul I will get a parade of bagels (easily 5-10 every walk) from guys in spandex jogging with chai necklaces, a minion of bubbies powerwalking, a biker who could pass as my 4th grade rebbe, all of them basking in the shore sun and wishing me a good shabbos/shabbat shalom/ a mah nishma?.

One guy was jogging and noticed it was almost 10AM said to me, “you’re late! The synagogue started an hour ago!” smiled and went back to shukkling his iPod and kept jogging.

-seth

Bageling Spanish Style

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 05:44:00 -0400

A few years ago my wife and I attended a conference in Puerto Rico that lasted over shabbos. What to do on a beautiful shabbos afternoon in PR? We grabbed a few sodas/waters from our room, a couple of novels & headed out to sit by the pool & enjoy a shabbos afternoon relaxing stretch.

No sooner had we gotten comfortable than a few young kids in bathing suits (“kids” seem to be getting older & older these days - they were probably 19-20!) sat down in the chairs next to us. We couldn’t help but overhear the conversation - two of them were trying to convince the third how much of a positive experience he would have if only…he would travel to Israel on a Birthright tour!

Their final word? “Just ask that couple (us) - they’ll tell you the same thing!”

Bageled in the Caribbean!

Berkshires Bagel

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 05:43:00 -0400

Many years ago my wife and I were vacationing with another couple in the Berkshires and we were enjoying a moment in the sun, just sitting on the grass in a park. An older couple walked by, and, noticing the kippot on the heads of both me and our friend Dov, leaned over and said sympathetically: “You’re going to have a hard time finding a kosher restaurant around here,” before walking on.

Put on your Yarmulke...

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 05:42:00 -0400

My brother-in-law and sister were invited to attend a Yankees game and were privileged to be seated in the Legends Suite area. Apparently, it is but one step removed from Olam Haba if you are a baseball fan. It is for the elite and the opulence is ridiculous. Between one of the innings, my brother-in-law, who was wearing his yarmulke (and has a short beard) went up to the area where the open bar is and all the free food is laid out. Its basically a lounge area. Upon walking in, he noticed someone who looked familiar who was in mid-conversation with someone else. The person noticed my brother-in-law walk in, looked him dead in the eye, stopped his conversations, and said with a big smile “Hello, Bubbeleh!” and then continued his conversation.

The person was Adam Sandler.

Grand Canyon

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 19:29:00 -0400

My brother and I were at the Grand Canyon when we noticed a man wearing black pants and a baseball hat, with 5 boys all wearing baseball caps. His wife had a skirt. We walked over and said “Shalom Alaichem reb yid” He turns to me and said “how can you tell?”

- Mordy

Triple Bagel in Cozumel

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 19:29:00 -0400

My wife and I were in Cozumel as our last stop on a Caribbean cruise. We were checking out jewelry and a salesperson said you’ve got to talk to our manager. I thought, here comes the old fashioned hard core sales technique when the manager comes over and asks in Hebrew if we need a place for Shabbos! We did not but got the location of a new Kosher restaurant for lunch. We then caught a taxi to some Mayan ruins and on the way back shared a ride with an ordinary looking couple from a different cruise line. They complained to us that their cruise had no kosher food so we invited them to join us for lunch (they passed confirming my theory that they never asked for kosher food on their cruise and were just bageling). After a delicious lunch in the top floor of a mall, we went downstairs and right outside on the bench was an elderly religious couple. They were exhausted and asked if we knew any place they could get some kosher refreshment. We of course told them that they happened to be sitting in front of the only Kosher restaurant in Cozumel - triple play bagel!

-David Felsenthal

Bageling @ Yeshiva University's Champions Gate Conference

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 18:20:00 -0400

Doodie Miller, Director of Operations at YU’s University School Partnership, and bagel theory inventor, entertained the YU Champions Gate Conference last weekend in Orlando with a brief explanation/stand-up routine of the origins of Bageling.

If you were there, it was one of the more light hearted presentations of the weekend (the only things funnier were rabbi horowitz/gary rosenblatt panel discussion and Rabbi Brander’s lack of knowledge about Rabbi Sobolofsky’s body piercings) but certainly one of the more memorable, as it seemed to resonate with the +400 Jewish leaders in the room, and helped spread the gospel of the Bagel Theory.

We invite everyone to send in their bageling stories - the future of the Jewish People is banking on bageling!

A Star Studded Bagel

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 12:35:00 -0400

My brother, Ephraim and I were at the Christopher Reeve Foundation charity dinner and both of us were wearing our yarmulkas. Robin Williams came up from behind and put his hands on our shoulders and said “Don’t worry boys, I just came from the kitchen and your kosher meals will be ready soon!” Now that’s a star studded bagel!

Doodie

Holy Bagel Pickup Line

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 19:34:00 -0400

As a 18 year old in my year in Israel, I remember being at this Gan Sacher concert/rally and noticed this extremely attractive chassidic girl - she was frummer - way frummer - and honestly I had no way of talking to her. Surrounded on all sides by other chassidic gals, an iron wall of tznius, and a modern dude with a srugi going over to her to talk in my mind would be considered assur m’dough raisa. Instead of manning up, I had to ‘bagel up’ - or go frummer then I typically am - so that she will know I am holding in Torah, and of course in bageling.

Bagel Theory Rule: Everyone knows you always bagel up frummer than you are.

I walked up and completely froze - our eyes met - the only thing I could think of is, which to this day, I’ve never once asked: ”Excuse me miss, do you know what time shkiah is?”

She smiled and nodded. I stood awkwardly and walked away. I am not sure she even spoke English or knew what I was saying but to this day she still is the bagel wrapped around my heart.

-seth

Bageling by Mrs. Lori Palatnik for Aish.com

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 19:19:30 -0400

Bageling by Mrs. Lori Palatnik for Aish.com

Starbagelled Frap

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 13:26:00 -0400

Hopped on the elevator with my monster Starbuck’s Frappacino in tote as I was in a hurry to get to my office, running my usual 20 minutes behind. Starbucks took forever. Or so I rationalize to myself as to why I was late. Random guy on the elevator eyes the frap and mentions that those things have a cup of sugar in them to which I smile and nod as a subtle way to agree with him. Then he goes to the bagel… ‘I didnt know the fraps at starbucks were kosher?”

-seth

When in Rome...Bagel

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 12:55:00 -0400

On our honeymoon in Rome, we were standing at the top of the Spanish steps next to a middle-aged couple holding a map. The husband piped up in an obvious voice, “I wonder where the synagogue is.” My husband and I exchanged a knowing look at this classic Roman bagel and proceeded to strike up a conversation with this lovely couple from Chicago. After we took them to the synagogue, they asked to join us at the kosher pizza shop. As we savored the cheeseless arugula and shaved beef pizza — to this day the best pizza I have ever had — this non-religious couple marveled at traveling kosher and declared they would do so in the future. A satisfying bagel to be sure.

-Jessica Kupferberg

Bageled at Boggle

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 12:53:00 -0400

An early bagel favorite occurred when my kippah-wearing husband and I were dating, and we spent a Saturday evening at a funky coffee house with friends. We engaged in a few boisterous rounds of Boggle, the game where you must quickly make words out of jumbled lettered cubes. Observing our fun, a couple of college students at a nearby table asked if they could play too. After we rattled the tray and furiously scribbled our words, it was time to read our lists aloud. One of the students, who sported a rasta hat and goatee, proudly listed the word “yad.” Unsuspecting, we inquired, “What’s a yad?” He said with a smirk, “You know, that pointer you read the Torah with.” Yes, we were bageled at Boggle.

-Jessica Kupferberg